Baby steps, just one leg in front of the other and before you know it, you have climbed mountains, but your legs are stuck and controlling them is now a tedious chore. Time is moving so fast, without stopping to say hi, not that you care anyway. Continue reading after the slice…
Silence has become a way of life somehow, since the words get stuck in your throat partly because explaining how you feel would be very much like explaining the act of reading to a potato; useless and energy consuming. So the bathroom becomes a safe haven, where your tears fall freely, and that alone speaks more than your words ever can.
…and yet, you are expected to face the world with a smile and pretend you are not breaking inside, and listen to people talk about things they will never understand, though you have a really creative idea of where they could shove their unwanted opinions.
“It’s probably God’s way of protecting you from an evil child.” The woman without a name said, in an attempt to minimize your pain, but you just looked ahead, without really seeing. You were thinking of how the blood felt running down your legs and how difficult it is to accept that there is no more life growing within you. You were thinking of the late nights you had spent looking through baby names.
“It is not something to worry about, many women go through that.” You nodded your head, even though you were not listening, she said “many women” and you weren’t many women, just one tired woman. You were still thinking about tiny feets, and chubby cheeks you never got to kiss…and all the time you spent arguing with your husband about who the baby would love more and look like.
‘Spontaneous abortion’, the thought of the medical terminology made you angry. You hated how it was devoid of all emotion and it doesn’t in any way make any reference to how you were feeling.
…and later that night, you flinched when your husband gave you a kiss on the cheek. You know it’s not his fault but it’s just easier to blame him, or anything. He is probably hurting too, but not as much as you; for he didn’t feel life growing within him, and he didn’t feel life leave his body in the form of a red substance. You may have time for him tomorrow, but not today.
Today happens to be for you alone; to think about cute little shoes, and innocent eyes and all that could have been, all you but expected and yet lost…